Why is Understanding vial to your creative future?
In this series on Trust, I am combining the brilliant ideas in Dr. Cloud’s book “Trust” with the multi-faceted metaphor of a diamond. In this video we shall gaze upon the very first facet of Trust known as Understanding.
The reason understanding comes in first is because trust can’t even be established without it. Now if you’re like me, when I know that I know that I’m right and the other person is clearly wrong, my default action is to attempt to persuade the other person to my way of thinking. It makes sense from my viewpoint: I’m right, their wrong, convince them I’m right. But you know as well as I do that trust don’t work that way.
Leading someone to trust you does not begin with convincing them that you are right.
- Dr. Henry Cloud
To illustrate this point, Dr. Cloud uses the real world, high-stakes example of how FBI hostage negotiator are trained. When they roll into a hostile situation with bad guys, hostages, weapons and crazy demands, the negotiator is the only one in this scene that is thinking clearly. And since they are the pro and know exactly what the the criminal should do, it makes since for them to tell the criminal to just put down the weapon, let the hostages go and give themselves up. Right? No. We’ve seen enough movies to get the gist of what they do. Instead of convincing, they start conversing and listening to the criminal. Why? Because the Negotiator knows something we tend to forget: Trust never begins with us convincing the other person we’re right. Trust begins by showing the other person we understand them.
However, it doesn’t count when we tell the other person we understand them. That’s like yelling bankruptcy and expecting the government to honor the fact that you declared bankruptcy.
The sign that let’s you know you understand someone is when the other person says that you understand them. Never the other way around.
When people feel genuinely understood, their fears subside, allowing them to open up and engage in meaningful dialogue. It is through this understanding that people become receptive and willing to listen.
The Bible was teaching this idea thousands of years ago when the author of Proverbs wrote, “To answer before listening— that is folly and shame.”
Now, if you know me, you know I love a good mindset discussion because that’s where behavior change starts. And if we are going to become people that build trust through understanding, Dr. Cloud says we must develop a mindset of Empathy.
Empathy comes from putting ourselves in someone else’s situation and identifying with their experience.
- Dr. Henry Cloud
This echos what Stephen Covey wrote in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People," The 5th habit is called "Seek first to understand, then be understood." which is built on the skill of empathic listening…
The essence of empathic listening is not that you agree with someone; it’s that you fully, deeply, understand that person, emotionally as well as intellectually.
- Stephen Covey
In my other video on how our mindset is like a camera lens, I talk about how the lens we look through effects our perspective. Think of empathy as looking out of the other person’s lens you’re trying to understand. When you listen to them, you’re trying to see them in their story, not your story. Their perspective. Not your perspective.
5 Levels of Listening
According to Stephen Covey, there are 5 levels of listening:
1. Ignoring
Which is not paying attention at all.
2. Pretending
Giving the appearance of listening without actually engaging.
3. Selective Listening
Only listening to parts of the conversation that interest you.
4. Attentive Listening
Paying full attention to the speaker but still focusing on your own perspective.
5. Empathic Listening
Fully and deeply understanding the speaker, both intellectually and emotionally.
Because Empathic listening is the highest level of listening it demands the most from us if we are to master it. But it is worth developing because failure to understand should never be an option.
When we fail to understand the person we’re trying to help, our misunderstanding can actually communicate selfishness and sabotage the very relationship we’re trying to help.
Side note: As I was preparing for this video I noticed a cool metaphor connection between Trust and 7 Habits. In Trust, Dr. Cloud uses the metaphor of currency to describe the value of Trust. And in 7 Habits Stephen Covey uses the metaphor of an Emotional Bank Account to describe the amount of trust that has built up in a relationship.
Covey goes on to say…
Empathic listening is the key to making deposits in Emotional Bank Accounts, because nothing you do is a deposit unless the other person perceives it as such.
- Stephen Covey
And when we get in the red with another persons emotional bank account, and request their help on top of it, we start bouncing checks. Do that for too long, and we get relational bankruptcy.
So the golden question for all of us to answer is,
“What level of listening am I trending at: Ignoring, Pretending, Selective, Attentive, or Empathic.”
Of course, different relationships will demand different levels, but I would suggest all the important relationships in our lives deserve the highest level of listening from us. In fact, empathic listening could very well be the one skill that will have the greatest impact on your life.
Because of that I wanted to highlight 3 practical steps we can take to hone our listening skills.
Three Ways to become a better listener
1. Practice active listening
Focus on the speaker, maintain eye contact, and show genuine interest in what they are saying. Avoid interrupting or thinking about your response while they are speaking. And for the love of Yahweh don’t look at your phone while they’re talking to you.
2. Reflect back
Repeat or paraphrase what the speaker has said to show that you understand their perspective. For example, you can say, "So what you're saying is..." or "If I understand correctly, you feel..."
3. Ask open-ended questions
Encourage the speaker to elaborate on their thoughts and feelings by asking questions that require more than a simple "yes" or "no" answer. This shows that you are interested in their experience.
Remember, building trust through understanding requires consistent practice and genuine effort. By honing your empathic listening skills, you can strengthen your relationships and build that first facet of the trust diamond.
